H is for Handymen
by Jelsemium
Summary: Another entry from the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. Megan has a new condo. So, how many big strong Feds can she get to help her? This is the first story of the Handymen Trilogy. V is for Valet Parking is 2nd. J is for Jaguar is the 3rd.
1. Chapter 1

H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I do not understand Galois Groupings.

Author's Notes: Writing dialog for Larry will increase your vocabulary.

Author's Dedication: Wildfyre, because this is yet another story for the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. So this comes before the "Larry in Space" episodes.

Author's Notes 2: This is the first story in the Handymen trilogy. During the Summer 2006 Alphabet Challenge, I wrote two stories, then wrote a third story that was a sequel to both, so I made it a trilogy. (It's the same thing I did with the Obsession trilogy, come to think of it.)

Chapter 1 of 6

The FBI holds its agents to the strictest standards of physical fitness.

Don Eppes' talented team went beyond the minimum required. They did weight training. They did strength training. They did martial arts training. In their free time, they participated in numerous sports.

They had plenty of opportunities to display their fitness, both in direct confrontations with criminals, and in marathon workdays when sleeping more than two hours in a 24 hour period was considered slacking off.

So, when Special Agent Megan Reeves needed physical assistance in moving to her new condominium, naturally she wound up with two tenured professors whose idea of a workout was holding a book in one hand while scribbling on a blackboard with the other.

Of course, Megan told herself, considering the size of the textbooks; perhaps she shouldn't be so quick to dismiss this sort of 'workout.'

Especially as Larry appeared to be in ah _very good health_, she decided, admiring his slender physique. He was dressed casually in cargo pants and a brightly patterned Hawaiian shirt. His fair hair was freshly trimmed, but still had enough curl to tempt Megan's fingers.

Charlie, who wore jeans and an ugly khaki colored t-shirt, was probably also in "good health", but she didn't bother to check him… check it out. She didn't let the guys catch her at her "health assessments," either. Charlie would tease and Larry might be embarrassed.

"Come on in," she said down the stairs as the two carried drop cloths up to the third floor condo that was now her principle residence (on paper). "I really appreciate you two giving me a hand with this."

Professor Lawrence "Larry" Fleinhardt bowed gallantly. "Always a pleasure to assist a lovely lady, Agent Reeves." He tried not to stare. It wasn't that Megan's outfit was unusual; it was just that the jeans and plain white man's shirt that she was wearing looked so good on her.

Professor Charles "Charlie" Eppes rolled his eyes. "And always eager to volunteer my services."

Larry waved his hand at Charlie in a 'pooh-pooh' gesture. "You've never stinted on volunteering my expertise," he paused for effect. "… and paid time on the school's supercomputer…"

"Hey, that was only once," Charlie protested. "And the FBI reimbursed you."

"Or any of my vast intellectual resources to the federal government, when the need arises," Larry went on.

"And of course, I never assist the man in any of his projects," Charlie said sardonically.

"Don't worry, Charlie," Megan said. "You'll be compensated for your time."

Charlie smiled at her. "Spending time with you is compensation enough, Megan," he said. Under his breath he added. "Especially if it doesn't involve being shot at."

Larry frowned at him.

Charlie shrugged and headed for the kitchen.

Larry followed, looking around the condo. "This is nice," he said. "It must be a fairly old building." He tapped on one of the walls. "It's sturdier than most of the newer buildings."

"Well lit, too," Charlie added. "Nice big windows and a nice view from here," he added gesturing out of the kitchen window.

"Oh, what a pretty park," Larry said. "What's it called?"

"The Felipe de Neve cemetery," Megan said blandly.

Larry blinked. "Well, those are quiet neighbors."

"And part of why I was able to get this place for an almost reasonable price," Megan said dryly.

Charlie looked out the window, his mind clearly somewhere else. "It looks nicely maintained," he commented. He shook his head and said. "Getting back on topic. Have you picked out your colors?"

Megan rubbed her chin and adopted a serious mien. "I was thinking of going pink," she said. "Starting with dusty rose for the main area."

Larry blinked and Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"And then magenta for the guest room," Megan continued, nodding to herself. "Plus pale petunia for the kitchen and maybe pearl pink for the bathroom."

Larry and Charlie exchanged panicky glances before returning their horrified gazes to Megan.

Megan affected to not notice their incredulous looks as she added, sober as a judge, "And I've decided to use Barbie wallpaper for the master bedroom."

She snuck a look at the two men and lost it.

Charlie also started laughing.

"Oh, dear," Larry said, clutching at his heart. "Don't scare me like that, Megan."

"Well, if those are the colors that what you want, Megan," Charlie chortled.

Megan wrinkled her nose at him. "Don't you dare hold me to that!" she said.

Larry raised his pale eyebrows. "Well, the rose pink main room sounds like it might be very … restful."

Megan and Charlie gaped at him, and then burst out laughing again.

"Maybe it would," Megan conceded. "But, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the pinkish sort of girl."

"Pity," Larry murmured. "The color would look so fetching on you."

Charlie shrugged. "It's hard to imagine a color that would _not_ look fetching on her," he declared.

Megan giggled. "Such flattery," she said.

Larry felt a surge of … annoyance… surely it was just annoyance… at Charlie's flippant attitude.

"It's only flattery if it isn't true," Charlie said with an airy wave of his hand.

Larry could have smacked him.

Megan laughed again and put her hands on her hips. "Seriously, I think just white for the main area," she said.

Charlie nodded. "Yes, the ever reliable Navajo White," he said gravely.

"Classic, clean and will look good with any furniture I choose," Megan agreed.

"You don't have furniture yet?" Larry asked.

"Well, I have some, but mostly it was rented," Megan said. "The rental company is picking it up on Monday morning. That'll make it easier for me to move."

"You need a place to stay?" Charlie said. "I've got a spare bedroom."

Larry wondered if Charlie realized how that invitation could be construed. Of course, Alan would be there as a chaperone, but somehow that thought didn't make Larry feel any better.

Megan smiled. "That's sweet of you to offer, but I'm getting my bedroom suite delivered tomorrow." She walked over to the door to the master bedroom. "I want Wedgwood blue in there," Megan said. "With white trim."

"Ah, reminiscent of classic Wedgwood cameos," Larry said. He rubbed his chin and nodded.

"Complete with classic profile," Charlie said. "Or is that a classic profiler?"

Megan chortled. "Charlie, we won't get anything done if you keep makin' me laugh!"

Charlie smiled.

"What about the secondary bedroom?" Larry said, feeling a trifle unsettled at their banter.

"Institution grey," Charlie proclaimed. He stepped back and held his fingers up in a square as if framing a picture. "You could cut out some of the non-load bearing wall, put in a nice one way mirror, get an eyeful of what your guests get up to…"

Megan shoved him, causing him to stumble. "I was thinkin' of lining the walls with chalkboards," she said.

"Oh, please don't encourage him," Larry moaned, hands over his face.

Megan grinned.

"Ah, but chalkboards are so passé," Charlie complained, flapping his hand. "You want whiteboards."

"Navajo whiteboards?" Larry forced himself to throw a joke in. He was rewarded by a laugh from the other two.

"No, thanks, I've already had the place fumigated," Megan said with a smirk. "Besides, I could lose my job if I got caught sniffin' that kind of stuff."

Charlie raised his eyebrows and gestured toward himself. "Are you suggesting that we get high…?"

"I've always suspected Charles of having an addiction to the dry erase fumes," Larry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Charlie pouted at him. "I do not. I can give them up any time!" he insisted.

Megan grinned. "Anyway, I was thinkin' of something neutral for the spare bedroom," she said. "Since I'm mostly going to be using it for an office." She eyed Charlie narrowly. "But definitely not grey."

Charlie smirked.

"Pale blue or pale green for the bathroom," Megan continued.

Charlie and Larry nodded.

"I was thinkin' of wallpaper for the kitchen, though," Megan said. "Something, well, maybe a little on the girly side, like a floral pattern."

Larry and Charlie exchanged looks and then they pinned Megan with severe gazes.

"What?" Megan asked.

"Megan, my dear, wallpaper is an infernal invention created solely for the torment of good Christian souls," Larry proclaimed, holding his hands up to the heavens.

Charlie crossed his arms and quirked an eyebrow at his mentor.

"Judeo-Christian souls," Larry amended hastily. "Not to mention the good souls of every other religion." He gestured broadly to indicate all other religions.

"Oh," Megan said.

"Wallpaper actually began in ancient China, where they glued rice paper onto their walls as early as 200 B.C.," Larry waved his forefinger at her as he lectured. "In the eighth century AD, several Chinese papermakers, who were enslaved by Arabs, passed the idea to their captors. No doubt as a form of passive-aggressive revenge."

Megan laughed. "And the Arabs started spreading it?" she said.

Larry nodded seriously. "Like an insidious plague," he said. "Although, the height of the wallpaper craze was during the Victorian era, as they were apparently afraid of blank space."

"Ah, the history of the world, according to Fleinhardt," Charlie said, smiling broadly.

Larry shrugged. "Do not laugh at the bull who has been more than five minutes in the arena, my friend," he shook his finger at Charlie now. "I spent an entire summer of my youth hanging and removing wallpaper. Believe me; it inspired me to buckle down to my studies like no lecture from my parents ever did!"

"C'mon, let's measure the rooms before we go," Charlie said. He looked around. "And put up the masking tape."

"So eager to get to work," Megan smiled.

"Besides, Charles wants to use his new laser measuring device," Larry smirked. He pointed his forefinger like a gun.

Charlie grinned. The three of them moved from room to room measuring and putting up tape.


	2. Chapter 2

H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I do not understand Galois Groupings.

Author's Notes: Writing dialog for Larry will increase your vocabulary.

Author's Dedication: Wildfyre, because this is yet another story for the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. So this comes before the "Larry in Space" episodes.

Chapter 2 of 6

Larry looked at Charlie as he knelt on the kitchen counter and taped around the stove hood. In some lights, Charlie's dark curls looked black. Right then, the sunlight coming through the kitchen window turned it into a variety of browns, threaded with gold, not silver.

Larry sighed and ran his hands through his own curls. The grey didn't show much in his pale hair, but there was no denying that he was showing far more forehead now than he had when he was Charlie's age… Megan's age.

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to erase those kinds of thoughts. He and Megan had a surprisingly large number of things in common. He wasn't sure if they were headed for a serious relationship or if he was deluding himself.

Larry knew why such a romance would do him good, but he could not see any advantage for her. She could surely have her pick of any eligible bachelor in her age group.

Like Charlie.

Stop thinking like that, he ordered himself.

Himself didn't listen.

At least he didn't have a schnozz like Charlie's he consoled himself.

Megan was looking at Charlie as well and Larry wondered what she saw.

Charlie hopped off the counter. "Okay, that should do it."

"So all we have to do now is calculate how much paint we need for each room," Megan said.

Charlie arched an eyebrow at her.

"Ah, right, already calculated how much?" Megan said.

"But of course, m'lady," Charlie replied. "I've been doing harder calculations in my head since I was three."

_Show off_, Larry thought.

"I really wish that you would let me pay you or something," Megan said.

Charlie smiled brightly. "Oh, you don't need to pay us," he said. "But you can do me a favor."

Larry frowned, just a little.

"Name it," Megan said.

Charlie tried to hard to pass his expression off as mock solemnity. "Well, Agent Reeves, you can get my brother's back. You know, bring him back from the field, keep an ear out for the gossip and infighting, make sure he doesn't get away with saying that he's 'fine' when he's not."

Charlie suddenly found an interest in the list of measurements. "Oh, yeah, and make sure he understands that he's not Atlas. He doesn't have to carry the world on his shoulders by himself."

"That's my job, Charlie," Megan said gravely. She gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze.

"Of course, Larry's idea of 'Or something' might be a little more… relaxing!" Charlie said, in an obvious effort to change the subject.

Larry managed to turn "_Charles_!" into a polysyllabic word. "Please return to your 'Brilliant, but naïve' mathematician persona. It suits you better."

Charlie attempted to look ingenuous. He failed. "I was referring to… How did you put it? Terpsichorean pleasures, my man." He grinned wickedly. "Why? What did you _think_ I meant?"

"I think you are being contumelious, my mendacious _enfant terrible_," Larry said dryly.

Charlie blinked at him, and then looked at Megan. "He just called me a lying brat!" he said in wounded tones. "And after all I've done for him." He looked at Larry with kicked puppy eyes.

Larry ran his hands through his hair. "Ah, you recognized the words. I really didn't expect you to."

Charlie stuck his tongue out at him. "I didn't recognize the words, it was the tone. Trust me, after decades of Don, I can recognize the word 'brat' in every language on this planet."

Megan grinned at both men. "Larry, your vocabulary is a wonderful thing."

Larry felt his cheeks heat up.

Megan added. "I always find something new to hurl at Granger and Sinclair."

Larry sighed inwardly. _Always the comic relief_, he though sadly.

Charlie raised his eyebrows. "Not Don?" he asked.

Megan, who had left Don out in consideration for Charlie's fraternal feelings, started to shake her head.

Charlie turned to Larry. "You must drill her more extensively, Fleinhardt!" he scolded. "Find her some insults that she can throw at Don."

Megan continued shaking her head as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ah, sibling rivalry," she said. She met Larry's eyes and they both laughed.

"Which room did you want to start in?" Charlie asked. "The bedroom?"

Larry shot him a sharp look, but Charlie was all business now, no trace of the flirtatiousness that Larry was trying to convince himself that he had imagined.

"I hadn't thought about it," Megan confessed. She spread her hands out. "What do you boys think?"

Charlie and Larry exchanged looks. Then they both walked around, studying the vents and the windows.

"Well, lacking an actual air flow study," Larry said thoughtfully, "I would estimate that the kitchen slash living room slash dining room area had the best circulation. I expect that it would dry the fastest."

"I think we should start in the master bedroom," Charlie said nodding. "It's the coolest room in the house, since it lacks direct sunlight. It will take the longest to dry."

"I would advise the bathroom first," Larry dissented. "It's smaller, but the humidity level is greater."

"Okay," Megan said. "The bathroom and the master bedroom first. I'd like the paint to be dry by the time my furniture arrives. Then we move on to the secondary bedroom, and the kitchen."

"If you're going for a neutral color for the secondary bedroom, you may want to consider painting it the same color as the kitchen," Charlie said as they headed outside. "The kitchen doesn't have that much actual wall space and the bedroom isn't that large. One can of paint should do them both."

"Or you could just paint the kitchen Navajo White," Larry suggested.

"So, you're serious about me not wallpapering the kitchen… Don't _look_ at me like that!" Megan said.

"Like what?" Larry asked.

"You keep givin' me this 'So, the dog ate your homework' look," Megan complained.

Larry and Charlie laughed.

"Sorry, Megs," Charlie said. "No wallpaper, please. Even with the advances in modern wall coverings, it's still a pain."

_Megs_? thought Larry. But Megan didn't object, so he didn't feel he should say anything.

"I'll think about it," Megan said. "Come on, I'll drive."

"Actually," Larry said somewhat diffidently. "I would prefer not to leave my car sitting on this street unattended for such a long time."

"Ah, yes, the live neighbors," Megan sighed. "They're another reason I was able to afford this condo."

"But you don't have a back seat," Charlie pointed out. "Or should I stay here?"

"That won't be necessary," Megan said, somewhat to Larry's disappointment. "I'll show you where the guest parking is so you can get your car off the street." She looked at Charlie. "Where are you parked?"

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck. "Ahhh… At home. I, um, I came with Larry," he said a trifle embarrassed. "I can't drive."

Megan's eyebrows disappeared into her bangs. "Don't tell me that you lost your license again!"

Charlie kicked at the curb a little and looked away. "Um, I didn't lose it in the way you mean, anyway. It was a more, um, literal loss."

Megan waited.

"He lost his entire wallet," Larry supplied, trying to stifle his _schadenfreude_ as relayed the news of his colleague's misfortune.

"Misplaced it," corrected Charlie with a sigh. "But I still had to spend most of last night calling credit card companies instead of working on my paper about Galois Groupings." He looked at Megan with tragic puppy eyes.

For a moment, Larry was afraid Megan was going to hug Charlie. However, all she did was pat his back. "You don't have to worry about money today," Megan said. "Everything's on me."

If Charlie had possessed a tail, he would have wagged it.

"At least it wasn't as hard for you as it was for most people," Larry said.

Charlie's brow puckered.

Larry shrugged. "Most people don't have their license number, credit card number and all significant phone numbers memorized."

Megan smiled. "Wow, Charlie," she said. "I have a hard enough time rememberin' my social!"

Charlie turned a little pink. "Well, numbers is my thing," he said modestly.

Larry suppressed a sigh and he thought that he really needed to stop talking Charlie up like that. He unlocked the front passenger door for Megan.

Megan paused before sliding in. "You do have seatbelts, don't you?"

"Yes, he does," Charlie said. "I wouldn't get into the car without them. I love statistics, but I don't want to become one!"

Megan laughed.

"Yes," Larry sighed. He gave Megan a woebegone look. "My precious baby has been disfigured by the intrusive artifacts of a graceless age."

"Aww," Megan said. She patted Larry's hand, and then patted the dashboard. "Poor babies." She climbed into the car so she could direct Larry to the parking area."

"This age isn't all that graceless," Charlie said, smiling at Megan.

_"Why do I keep giving him openings?"_ Larry sighed. "_Chaaaarrrrrrrllllllllllesssss_!" Larry drew the word out for effect.

"_Larryyyyyyyyyy_," Charlie countered. "We've been _throooooough_ this. Even the most restrictive classic auto judges allow for the addition of mandatory safety equipment."

"Besides," Megan chimed in as she settled herself in the front seat. "You wouldn't want poor Charlie to get hurled through the windshield, would you?"

"_You'd be surprised just now,"_ Larry thought grimly. "Well, I suppose that it would be costly to replace the windshield," Larry said dryly. He felt a flash of shame at his ill temper.

Fortunately Megan and Charlie just laughed, assuming his snarky comment to have been made in jest.

"Charles, you wait here," Larry orders. He pointed firmly to the curb.

Charles rolled his eyes and held up his right hand. "I promise, I won't get lost in Mathland and wander off to find a chalkboard," he said, misconstruing Larry's comment as a command to keep his mind on the business at hand rather than a command to stay out of the car.


	3. Chapter 3

H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. I do not understand Galois Groupings.

Author's Notes: Writing dialog for Larry will increase your vocabulary. At least, researching Larry's dialog will. ;-)

Author's Dedication: Wildfyre, because this is yet another story for the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. So this comes before the "Larry in Space" episodes.

Chapter 3 of 6

Larry didn't have a chance to enjoy his few minutes alone with Megan as he was too busy following her instructions to the guest parking.

After the Ford was parked safely, Megan and Larry moved to Megan's car and drove around front to pick up Charlie.

They spent the drive to FedCo debating wallpaper versus stencils and by the time that they reached the store, they had convinced Megan to try her hand at stenciling.

"But only somethin' simple," she said. "I don't think I can handle anything real fancy."

"You can start simple in the kitchen," Larry suggested. "Perhaps a stylized floral pattern. If you like it, you can try something fancier in a different room."

As they got out of the car, they were met by the tantalizing smell of grilling meat.

"Hey, they have a hotdog stand" Charlie said happily. "I knew that Home Depot had one outside their store. I didn't realize that FedCo had a grill, too."

"I guess they thought it was a good idea," Larry said.

"I wonder what they have here?" Charlie said.

"Down, boy," Megan said. "You'll get fed."

Larry smacked his forehead with the heel of his right hand. "I knew I was forgetting something of Charles!" he exclaimed.

"What's that?" Charlie asked, curiously.

"Your leash," Larry said sardonically.

Megan laughed. "Maybe I should hold his hand," she chortled.

Charlie gave her a sweet smile.

"Maybe we should just lock him in the car," Larry replied.

Charlie wrinkled his nose. "Woof," he said.

Larry shook his head and led the way into the hardware store. By the time Megan had pulled out a cart, Charlie had disappeared.

Megan shook her head. "He must have been a double handful when he was a kid," she said.

Larry smiled. "You speak as if his childhood was behind him," he said.

"Point," Megan replied. "Do you think they sell rope here?" she asked, craning her neck.

Larry snorted. "You'd be better off getting an invisible fence. Charles would spend so much time trying to figure out how it works that he'd never even try to escape."

Megan laughed and they ambled over to the paint section, chatting about Pets and Pests in their Past.

They picked out the colors that she wanted and decided on a pale aqua for the bathroom and a nice cream color for the spare bedroom.

"You can add texture to the bathroom walls with a sponge," Larry said. "Plus you could add some stencils."

"Ah, some sea life," Megan said. "An Octopus' garden? With a few friendly mermaids?"

"Not to mention Sluggo the sea snail!"

Larry jumped and Megan almost put her hand to her sidearm before she realized that Charlie had snuck up on them.

"CHARLES!" Larry snapped. "Don't do that!"

Charlie blinked at him.

"I think this ivy pattern would look good in the kitchen," Megan said hastily. "It looks easy enough."

"You've got to come look at what I found," Charlie said happily. He led the way to an aisle of paint rollers.

"We already have paint rollers," Larry murmured. To Megan he said, "We brought long handled Wagner rollers that store paint in the handle. One flick of the switch delivers the paint to the roller, which saves us from having to continually dip the rollers in the paint." He paused. "Saves on drips, too."

Charlie nodded. "But we only have two of those rollers," he said. "Besides, check this puppy out." He picked up a box. "This attaches directly to the can of paint. So there's no transferring, no dripping, and it will cut the actual painting time in half!"

"Besides," Megan added dryly. "It's a gadget."

Charlie beamed at her.

"I really don't think that we should have Megan buy a tool that she won't need very often," Larry said. "Especially since she'll have to use up precious space storing it."

Charlie blinked at him. "Oh, um, I was thinking of it for myself, actually." He started to reach for his wallet and stopped. An annoyed expression flickered across his face.

"That's all right, Charlie," Megan said. "If you want this toy, then I'll buy it for you. It's still far less than I would have had to pay a painter."

"I have money," Charlie said, digging into his pocket with his free hand and pulling out some crumpled bills.

Megan tugged the box out of his hands and added it to the cart.

Charlie tagged after her. "Really, Megan, I'll pay you back," he said.

"You'll do no such thing," Megan insisted. She handed her credit card over to the cashier and then they trundled out to the parking lot. Well, they made it as far as the grill in the parking lot.

"How about lunch?" Megan asked.

Charlie looked up at the menu board. "Wow, tri-tip steak sandwiches, pastrami burgers, chili dogs…" he sighed.

"Larry?" Megan said.

"I think a tri-tip sandwich would go down well," Larry said.

Charlie was digging in his pockets again.

Megan snorted. "Charlie!" she said. "I told you I'm paying for everything today!"

"But," Charlie said. "I just thought it was too much to ask you for a big lunch."

"This is not a 'big lunch'," Megan said. "You want a tri-tip and a pastrami burger?"

"Pastrami dog, actually," Charlie said, pulling money out of his pocket.

"Fine," Megan nodded to the cook. "Plus a large order of fries and a large order of coleslaw, please," she added.

"I can pay…" Charlie said.

"No."

"Really," Charlie looked at the lump of cash in his hand.

"What part of 'no' wasn't in English," Megan asked.

"But…"

"Larry, how do you say 'no' in Math?"

"Negative definite," Larry supplied with a smirk.

"Negative definite, Charlie," Megan said.

Charlie gaped for a few moments. "But negative definite refers to …"

Megan cut him off by placing her hand over his mouth. "Charlie, you are aware that federal agents are required to be armed at all times?"

Charlie's eyes went wide and he shoved his money back into his pocket.

"Good call," Megan said gently. "I'm buyin'." She headed off to her car. "By the way, I've got Coca Cola, Seven-Up, Strohs and Blue Moon in the refrigerator."

"What's Blue Moon?" Charlie asked as he climbed into the back seat.

"It's white beer," Larry said smugly.

"No way," Charlie said.

"Way," Megan replied. "You're welcome to try it, too. Would anybody like a milkshake? I'm in the mood for one."

"How about an In-and-Out Neapolitan shake?" Charlie said.

"Sounds good to me," Megan said. "Vanilla for you, Larry?" she asked.

Larry beamed. "Ah, you remembered!"

"More liked deduced," Megan said. "I am a trained investigator, you know."

Larry swung into the drive through and they picked up two Neapolitan shakes, one vanilla and a large order of fries.

"Ah, plain vanilla," teased Charlie.

"Charles, you young Philistine, I'll have you know that vanilla is the queen of flavors," Larry declared. "It enhances everything it is added to… including chocolate."

Charlie raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"In addition," Larry went on, waving a finger at his passengers. "It has actual medicinal uses."

"Really?" Megan asked.

Larry nodded. "If you burn your tongue on your food, put a few drops of vanilla extract on it," he said. He gave Charlie a severe look in the rear view mirror. "And it's also good for soothing upset stomachs, such as one gets from overeating."

Charlie merely smirked. "I'll keep that in mind."

They arrived at Megan's condo and had lunch. (Larry was rather sourly amused that Charlie was not able to finish both the pastrami dog and the tri-tip sandwich.)

Megan brought out the Blue Moon, but they couldn't really tell what color it was through the brown bottle.

After lunch, they got down to business.

"You'd better put our work shirts on," Charlie said. "Wouldn't want to get your nice clothes dirty." His own shirt was obviously meant to be a sacrificial victim.

Megan and Larry changed and Charlie opened some windows and turned on the fans. "Don't wanna get overwhelmed by the paint fumes," he said.

Larry smirked.

Megan and Charlie looked at each other, and then back at Larry.

Larry slowly pulled a bandana wrapped bundle from one of the pockets of his cargo pants. He unwrapped the mystery object to reveal a flat sided, brown glass bottle.

"Vanilla?" Megan and Charlie exclaimed.

"Yes, my children," Larry said portentously. "One tablespoon of the miracle elixir that is extracted from the pod of the vanilla orchid will dramatically cut down on the odiferous emanations of a gallon of common household paint."

Charlie held up his hands. "Okay, if this works, then I'll never say 'plain vanilla' again."

Larry smirked.

The vanilla worked like a charm.


	4. Chapter 4

H is for Handymen

Author's Note : The vanilla in paint trick does eliminate the smell, according to several websites I've looked at. (Including the tip page at OSH's homesite and the vanilla magic page at vanilla dot com.) One caveat: the vanilla gets rid of the _odor_, not the fumes. You still need to have proper ventilation.

Chapter 4 of 6

They went to work and, thanks to all their prep work, the actual painting went quickly. Charlie, using the new power roller, tackled the larger kitchen/ living room/ dining room area. Megan and Larry, armed with the long handled rollers, tackled the smaller rooms.

The work went quickly and pleasantly. They had finished the bathroom and the master bedroom when Megan checked her watch. She was surprised to see that it was almost seven. "How 'bout we break for dinner?" she said.

Larry smiled at her. "Dinner works for me, thank you," he said.

"Charlie? Dinner?" Megan called.

There was no answer.

Larry and Megan went to investigate and found Charlie had actually finished the living room and dining room. His lack of answer was explained by his iPod earjacks.

"Charles! Dinner!" Larry bellowed.

Charlie looked over in surprise. Then he checked his watch. He yanked out the earjacks and frowned. "Um, no thank you, I'm not hungry."

"I'm not surprised," Larry said. "You did have a substantially larger lunch than we did."

Charlie just shrugged. "Why don't you two go somewhere nice?"

"Why, thank you for the suggestion, Charles," Larry said, feeling a trifle annoyed at Charlie's lack of manners.

"There's a Cheesecake Factory down the street," Megan said. "We won't need to get too dressed up for it."

Larry nodded. "However, I do feel that a change of clothes would be in order," he said. He looked down at himself. The shirt was old, but nearly spot free, thanks to their new-fangled paint rollers. Still, it wasn't what he'd chose to dine out in. He suppressed a sigh when he realized that Charlie had not even thought to bring a change of clothing.

He made use of the guest bedroom to change back into his Hawaiian shirt. Megan, who had also anticipated the need, had changed into a black, v-necked shirt and a knee length, tan colored skirt with some sort of pattern that vaguely reminded Larry of a Japanese woodcut. He couldn't study it more carefully for fear that he'd wind up staring at her legs.

"Have fun," Charlie advised.

"We shall," Larry assured him.

They did, too. Megan was a fascinating conversationalist and she seemed genuinely interested in many of Larry's pet topics: antique cars, world travel, good books, astronomy and, of course…

"So, do you think Charlie and Amita are going to become serious?" Megan asked.

He sighed when he realized that the topic had drifted in the direction of his protégé.

"Sorry," Megan said. "I guess that was out of line." She smiled apologetically. "Occupational hazard to be curious at all times."

"Oh, no," Larry hastened to assure you. "I'm not offended at the topic. I'm just concerned that those two will allow their romantic possibilities to grow cold."

He shook his head. "It would be a shame. They seem to be eminently suited to each other." Also, an affair, better yet, a marriage, between Charlie and Amita would ensure Charlie's lack of romantic interest in Megan.

"Maybe I can help them get over their 'relationship block' as it were," Megan said. "I think I'll talk to Amita about it. See if she wants any help."

"Excellent idea," Larry said. He summoned the waiter for the check and managed to sneak it out from under Megan's nose.

"Larry! Give me that!"

"Negative definite, my dear," Larry smirked.

Megan laughed.

On their way out, though, they stopped to look at the display case of desserts and Megan picked up a decadent looking Dulce de Leche cheesecake. "For when we finish painting the condo," she said.

When they got back, they found a fully painted condo, and Charlie sitting at the kitchen table, reading Serre and Ion's _Galois Cohomology _and indulging in one of Larry's Blue Moon Ales. He also had a legal pad in front of him on which he was making copious notes.

"You're incorrigible," Larry said.

Charlie blinked at him. "What?" he asked.

"Cheesecake?" Megan offered. "I got a nice Dulce de Leche."

Charlie's eyes lit up. "Yes, please," he said.

"Larry?" Megan asked.

Larry inclined his head. "Yes, thank you," he said.

Megan put a slice onto a paper plate and put it in front of Charlie. She wondered if he'd even notice that it was there, as he had become engrossed in his note-taking again.

Megan and Larry sat picnicked in the middle of the unfurnished living area, listening to a jazz tape by the Lt. Dan Band and chatting about music.

When Megan stifled a yawn, Larry decided it was time to go home and let Megan do the same.

"I think I've had enough for tonight." To Charlie, he said: "Ready?"

Charlie appeared from the kitchen and stuffed his book and notebook into his backpack. "Sure," he said. "Night, Megan."

"Good night, Charlie, Larry," Megan said. "You'll be back for the stenciling tomorrow?"

"Naturally," Larry said.

"I can't make it," Charlie said apologetically.

"Oh, okay, Charlie, thanks for your help!" Megan said with a smile.

"I'll be available _next_ weekend to help with the actual moving," Charlie said.

"Thanks," Megan said.

Larry and Charlie walked out back to the visitor parking.

Larry sighed.

"What's wrong?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing," Larry said shortly.

Charlie frowned. "Larry?"

Larry whirled. "Honestly, Charles, I thought your parents had raised you better than that!"

"What?" Charlie said. "Larry, what are you talking about?"

"Your manners were positively boorish!"

"What?" Charlie said again. "I don't know what you mean!"

"Oh, the way you, as the colloquialism goes, 'pigged out' at lunch," Larry snapped. "The way you insisted on having Megan buy you the fancy paint roller that you really didn't need…"

Charlie's eyes were wide. "But… I… I said that…"

"And the egregious way you flirted with Megan all day!" Larry was shouting by then.

Charlie was rendered speechless.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice you trying to put the moves on her?" Larry snarled. "How could you when you _know_ how I feel about her?"

"I never…"

"Just, just _go away_, Charles!" Larry snapped.

Charlie straightened up and turned on his heel. Instead of going back to Megan's condo, however, Charlie started walking down the street.

Larry blinked. Then he remembered that there was a bus stop at the end of the street. Charlie could easily get a ride back to CalSci and then walk home from there.

Larry snorted and walked over to his car. Charlie had money on him, he remembered from when… Charlie was going to pay for the power roller. He shook his head as he put the power roller into the trunk. That still didn't excuse his behavior at lunch, when he stuffed himself so much he had missed dinner, leaving him to dine with Megan... alone…

Larry slapped his forehead. Charlie overeaten at lunch, so that he and Megan could dine alone.

Charlie had used his new power roller to paint the larger main room while he and Megan had worked together in the smaller, more intimate bedrooms. Charlie had put in ear jacks to grant them even more privacy.

Larry ran his hands down his face, pulling at his cheeks. Even Charlie's disappearing act at the hardware store had been designed to allow him time alone with Megan.

And Larry had just bitten his head off. Some friend _he_ was.

He slammed the trunk shut and hurried after his protégé, composing an apology as he went.

He found Charlie just around the corner. He was standing very still, with his hands well away from his sides.

"Charles?" Larry started just as another voice bellowed…

"How can you be _catchin' a bus_ if you ain't got no money?"

Larry stopped short just behind and to the left of the younger man. He could see that Charlie was confronted by a thin, angry young man who was armed with a wicked looking knife.

Which was pressed against Charlie's Adam apple.


	5. Chapter 5

H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

Author's Notes: The ending is somewhat different than the story that I posted in the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. And yes, I separated this into two chapters, which is why it's now a six chapter story.

Author's Dedication: Still for Wildfyre

Chapter 5 of 6

The mugger glared at Larry. He waved a fistful of cash, most likely the money that Charlie had been carrying in his pocket. "You! You're with him?" he poked Charlie in the neck as he spoke.

Larry could see Charlie's adam apple bob a few times.

"Ah, yes," Larry said.

"You got money on you?" the mugger demanded.

In the back of his mind, Larry estimated the mugger to be about eighteen and vastly underfed. However, he didn't spend much time thinking of that. His immediate concern was to get that knife away from Charlie's jugular.

"Oh, I have something much better than money, my young friend," he said. He took a step forward and to the left. Then he fished out the wrapped vanilla bottle and held it up.

The mugger could clearly see that the bottle was made of glass. Larry hoped that he would assume that the bottle held a drug.

The mugger glared at Charlie for a moment, then stepped over and snatched the bottle away from Larry. He glanced down at it and howled… "Vanilla!"

All three men were about the same height, but Charlie and Larry were in considerably heavier and, in spite of their sedentary lifestyles, they were in much better shape than the mugger was.

For the moment, the mugger's attention was more on the bottle than on the academicians. Larry and Charlie calculated that this would be the optimal moment to overwhelm their assailant. If they each grabbed an arm, they could render him helpless within minutes.

They ran like hell.

When Megan came downstairs, she expected Larry's car to be gone. She was taken aback to find it still in the garage. Moments after she made that discovery, she heard Larry and Charlie making enough racket to wake her neighbors.

"MAAAYYYY-GGGGGAAAAAN!"

She charged to the street, gun drawn, to see her friends fleeing a knife wielding mugger.

"FBI! FREEZE!"

By the time Larry and Charlie had halted their headlong flight, Megan had the mugger on the ground and in cuffs.

"Thanks, Megan," Charlie said, gasping for breath.

"Yes, Megan, we deeply appreciate your timely intervention," Larry said between pants.

"You're welcome," Megan said. "You two want to explain what's going on here?"

Larry and Charlie exchanged abashed looks.

"Um," Charlie said. "Yeah, sure."

"Certainly," Larry said, rubbing both hands over his face.

They exchanged looks again.

"You first," they said in unison.


	6. Chapter 6

H is for Handymen

Author: Jelsemium

Author's Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

Author's Notes: The ending is somewhat different than the story that I posted in the 2006 Summer Alphabet Fiction Challenge. Oh, yes, this is obviously before Larry sold his house, too. ;-)

Author's Dedication: Still for Wildfyre

Chapter 6 of 6

Megan didn't get her explanation until several hours later, in the comfort and safety of Charlie's living room, after they'd had a little something to settle their nerves.

Larry and Charlie related their misadventure to a mostly sympathetic audience of Megan, Amita, Alan and Don. (Don being the reason the audience was only 'mostly' sympathetic.)

"We probably could have taken him," Charlie was saying somewhat sheepishly. "The numbers clearly favored us. Two against one..."

"And he was on the emaciated side," Larry added. "Both Charles and I are in excellent health."

"Tackling an armed mugger would have been extremely foolish!" Alan snapped.

"Good, then that's why we didn't do it," Larry said, nodding. He took another pull on his scotch and soda.

"Well, that and the fact that the only thought in our minds right then was to put as much distance as possible between us and that knife," Charlie said. He fingered the bandage on his throat.

"Good call," Don said. "So the day was a disaster, was it?" He looked at the three painters curiously.

"Well, no," Larry said. "We _did_ get Megan's condo painted.

"Plus, I met some of my neighbors," Megan said. "They're a pretty useful bunch, too."

Larry nodded. "On the first floor there are two nurses, male and female, who are married. The second floor holds a Methodist minister and a karate teacher. The third floor, in addition to our very own Megan, houses a…" he paused.

"Mortician," Charlie finished.

"Let's not need him for a while, okay?" Don said.

"Works for me," Charlie muttered.

"Oh, my," Amita said. "Sounds like an interesting group."

"Well, they seem to like me," Megan said. She smiled at Amita. "There's still an empty condo, if you want one."

"I'll think about it," Amita said.

Larry was sitting on the couch with Megan. Charlie wasn't sitting in his favorite chair as its arms weren't wide enough for the current seating arrangement. Amita was perched on the arm of Charlie's chair with one arm draped around the mathematician. Larry couldn't decide who looked happier about the arrangement… Charlie or Alan.

Amita touched the side of Charlie's jaw and tilted her head to look at his bandage. "That looks nasty," she said.

Charlie gave his head a slight shake. "It's just a nick," he said. "Didn't even need stitches. The tetanus shot hurt more."

"What were you two arguing about, anyway?" Alan asked.

Charlie and Larry gave Alan politely puzzled looks.

"Arguing?" Charles asked.

"Us?" Larry said as if such a thing was beyond the realm of possibility.

"When you two split up," Alan prompted. "You said you had an argument."

Larry and Charlie exchanged abashed glances.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," Amita blurted. "Don't tell me that you're _still_ arguing about Galois Groupings!"

"Okay," Charlie jumped in. "We won't."

"You should have gone back to Megan's condo," Alan scolded.

"We did," Charlie said defensively.

"Yeah, screaming for Megan to come save you," Don said. He chuckled into his beer.

Alan gave him a dirty look.

Amita frowned at him.

"Yelling," Charlie said, after another shot of Nerve Settling Beverage.

"There's a difference?" Don challenged.

"Well, yelling does imply more volume and… projection," Larry said.

"Projection is a good word," Charlie said, nodding. "Larry and I have a lot of practice at projecting."

"I thought I was yelling," Megan said, smiling at them.

"No," Larry said. "You were more… roaring."

Charlie nodded. "Like a lioness out to protect her cubs." He frowned and concentrated on his drink. "No, not cubs."

"You're just a pair of cubs at heart," said Don.

"But that makes me think of Chicago Cubs," Charlie complained.

"Can't have that. No rooting for the Cubbies," Alan declared. He took a sip of his Tom Collins, which he had been nursing all evening.

"Her pride?" Larry suggested. "Yes, Megan the Lioness came roaring out ready to defend her pride."

"What happened to the mugger?" Amita asked.

"Megan kicked his butt," Charlie said.

"Actually, he fainted," Megan said dryly.

"If I saw you charge at me, waving your sidearm and bellowing 'FBI! FREEZE!' I just might faint myself," Don said, grinning.

Megan shot him a dirty look.

"Pity to have wasted all that vanilla," Amita said.

Larry shook his head. "Amazingly enough, the bottle didn't shatter," he said. "It's now bagged and tagged as evidence by those wonderful public servants in the Los Angeles Police Department."

"Along with the last of my money," moaned Charlie.

Amita stroked his hair.

Charlie beamed at her.

"Get some more from the ATM," Don suggested.

Charlie gave him a dirty look. "My ATM card was in my wallet," he said. "Along with my credit cards and driver's license and school ID and BevMo card and Fedco card…"

"Awww, that's sad, Chuckie," Don said.

Charlie glared to no avail.

"Maybe you need to sit on the curb in front of CalSci with a sign…" Don said. "'Will derive formulas for food.'"

"Donnie, be nice to your brother, he had a bad day," Alan said warningly.

Don eyed Charlie up and down. "Define 'nice'," he said.

Alan growled. "Something that won't make your father smack you," he said.

"Another round, gentlemen?" Don said, jumping to his feet. Don handed Larry a drink that was more soda than scotch and Charlie a drink that was more scotch than soda.

"Thanks," Charlie said.

"You're not going to be in any shape to help Megan tomorrow if you keep sucking the booze down like that," Don warned.

"I can't go tomorrow," Charlie said owlishly. "Besides, we can't do anything until the paint is thoroughly dried out."

"As well as the painters," Don smirked, pretending not to see Alan's glare. He shook his head. "Honestly, you boys need a bodyguard or something."

Larry grinned. "Good idea, Don, so glad you volunteered to help us finish up."

Amita giggled.

Don blinked. "What?"

Megan beamed at him. "That's wonderful, Don!" she said. "I'm sure we'll all feel so much safer with a big, strong federal agent like you around to protect us!" She batted her eyes at him.

Don opened his mouth.

"Then it's settled!" Alan said happily. "What time do you need Don over there tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? I have a date for tomorrow!" Don protested.

"Okay, you can come with Charlie next Saturday," Megan said cheerfully.

"What time?" Alan asked again.

"Oh, elevenish would work fine," Megan smirked.

"But, Dad!" protested Don.

Alan glared. "Your mother and I raised you to be a gentleman. That means giving a lady a hand when she asks for it."

They could all see Don struggle with the impulse to declare that Megan was not a lady. Obviously, common sense and self-preservation won over the need to snark.

Don sighed. "Fine," he said.

Charlie laughed. "Don't worry, Megan can protect you from muggers," he said.

Don gave his brother a severe look, and then he swiped Charlie's drink and set it on the lamp table. "You've had enough, Buddy," Don said, hauling the smaller man to his feet and shoving him in the direction of the stairs. "It's past your bedtime!"

Charlie waved at Amita and Megan. "Night, ladies!"

Amita slid into Charlie's chair and helped herself to the rest of his drink.

Everybody held their glasses up and toasted the brothers as Don towed Charlie out of sight.

"Come on, Professor," Megan said. "I'll drive you home."

Larry smiled at her and followed her out the door.

Neither Alan nor Amita was indiscreet enough to ask whose home.


End file.
